Trust

Trust is something I have issues with. I’m paranoid. I hate trusting people. I expect betrayal at every turn. Sure, I don’t expect conscious betrayal all the time, but I know how people work. The subconscious can betray just as well as the conscious. I don’t trust people, and I don’t expect them to trust me. That said, I find myself in an interesting position, one where I’m forcing myself to trust someone. 

As should be shown in the last post, I’m in love. This has put me in the interesting position of needing to trust this person completely. This is something so completely new to me, I have no idea how to handle it. So far, I’ve been forcing myself to trust that she’ll do the right thing, even though the paranoid person in me wants to nudge her into doing it. I know that if I do nudge her, it’s a pretty clear indication that I don’t trust her to have even basic decency.

I’ve spoken to some friends who have more experience than me in this, and they’ve all said I’m on the right track. I certainly hope I am. Trusting her is waaaaaaaaay harder than I thought it would be. My mind keeps wanting to pick at the situation, and find reasons to distrust her. I’m not going to let that happen.

Despite my paranoia, I’ve found the decision to trust her to be completely liberating. I’ve been able to let go of my worries, for the most part, and relax. That’s something I’m not used to. I feel pretty happy, pretty good, about this decision, and so I’ll stick with it. She doesn’t know about the decision, but she will once she checks her messages.

So, wish me luck. This is new territory for me, and so far I’m liking what I’m finding. Let’s hope the journey continues to be an enjoyable one!